[I]f you cripple a man, you pay for the injured person’s care for a lifetime. But if you kill the person, you “only have to pay once, like a burial fee.”

Because the legal system has often failed to prosecute these murders, a perverse incentive has been created. Once a driver hits an individual, the financially prudent move is for him to kill the injured party, rather than allowing them to live with a severe injury.

However, Herculean efforts made since 1995 have improved the river’s quality. Recently folks have even begun swimming in the Charles again, at least when water quality permits it. The EPA has tracked the steady improvement, now rating the Charles as one of cleanest urban rivers in America.

[Photo courtesy of P. Kafasis]

Still, does anyone actually want to drink water from the Charles River? Boston-based beermaker Harpoon aims to find out. Their new “Charles River Pale Ale” contains a not-so-secret ingredient: 300 gallons of Charles River water. While locals are likely gagging and reflexively spitting at the very thought, Harpoon is assuring the public the suds will be both safe and delicious.

In fact, the water was treated by Desalitech, a local water desalination company, purified to make it ideal for drinking. So taking a little taste of the Charles, at least in this form, probably won’t kill you. And hey, if/when you survive the experience, you can wear a shirt in this vein:

I Drank the River!!

The marriages are documented in court records obtained by U.S. News, which show that Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis divorced three times, first in 1994, then 2006 and again in 2008.

She gave birth to twins five months after divorcing her first husband. They were fathered by her third husband but adopted by her second. Davis worked at the clerk’s office at the time of each divorce and has since remarried.

If Ms. Davis doesn’t wish to do her job, she should resign or expect to be removed, as John Corvino ably discusses:

If [Davis’s] conscience renders her unable to issue marriage licenses to those legally qualified, then the right thing for her to do is resign. After all, issuing marriage licenses is not a peripheral, non-essential part of being county clerk — it’s a central job function. Her current stance makes no more sense than that of an Amish person who expects to retain a job as a bus driver.

Here’s hoping this odious woman is found in contempt of court tomorrow, and quickly removed from her job, or at least from the spotlight.

“First I thought it was a dolphin and I thought, ‘What the hell is he doing?’ ” she said. “And he kind of landed on my board. Then I realized he had taken a chunk. And I was, like, that’s not what dolphins do.”

Better the board than her hand

That is indeed not what dolphins do.

[S]he sat down in a corner and drank the entire bottle of cognac herself.

As you’d probably imagine, this did not turn out well.

JIMMY is caught.
(“NOTORIOUS MOB KILLER JIMMY McGINTY ARRESTED!”)

He turns state’s evidence and aids the prosecution.
(“McGINTY TESTIFIES AGAINST LEFTY HANNIGAN”)

The trial brings down the last vestiges of the Boston Mafia.
(“LEFTY HANNIGAN SENTENCED TO LIFE”)

Finally, he disappears.
(“WHERE IS JIMMY McGINTY NOW?”)

CUT TO:

INT. STEREOTYPICAL ITALIAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Open on the CHEF, a older man with pale, freckled skin and bright red hair noticeably peeking out from under his chef’s hat. He is wearing an apron and a bushy mustache that is quite clearly fake.

The CHEF approaches—

A TABLE dressed in a red checkered tablecloth, with a candle lit atop it.

—Where a lone female CUSTOMER, sits wearing a simple gray dress. She is persuing the menu.

MARIO walks quickly to the back, through the inward swinging right kitchen door, then immediately back out the outward swinging left kitchen door with a tray he carries with two hands.

On the tray is a plate which appears to contain a large tortilla covered in chunky tomato soup, with grated orange American cheddar cheese cooked on top. It is a comically poor imitation of Italy’s most famous dish.

MARIO places the tray on the CUSTOMER’S table with a flourish.

Heinz will no longer be allowed to label its red sauce as “ketchup” in Hebrew in Israel after local food manufacturer Osem successfully argued that its competitor’s product doesn’t meet the definition of Israel’s standards institute, Israeli news site Ynet reported.

Instead, Heinz must use the ridiculous euphemism “tomato seasoning” to label their product. Then again, given that “tomato seasoning” sounds like the classy way a fancy restaurant would refer to the side they bring with their “pomme frites”, I’m not sure how much of a punishment this really is.

The event has all the hallmark details of a traditional Banksy event from a shroud of ultimate secrecy (the event area was plastered in notices designating it as filming location for a movie titled Gray Fox) to general themes of apocalypse, anti-consumerism, and anti-corporate messages. However there’s one major deviation: the emphasis of Dismalanded is largely on other artists’ work instead of Banksy himself.

This trippy piece alone is enough to make me jealous of those who can go:

Do not adjust your eyeballs.

I have to imagine Disney’s lawyers will be all over this whole thing. Heck, the park even bans them (“The following items are strictly prohibited: knives, spray cans, illegal drugs, and lawyers from the Walt Disney corporation.”). If you have a chance to go, it definitely seems worth it.

Anyhow, the Square Cash iPhone app was recently updated to include support for the Apple Watch. Our glorious future truly has arrived, because it’s now possible to send money to your friends right from your wrist. Open the app and tap your desired recipient to see a screen like this:

“Select Amounts” is kind of a weird instruction.

To send cash, you tap the relevant bills to add up to the desired whole number (no change!) you wish to send, then tap “Pay”. Within seconds, and without any further verification or chance of cancelling, your money will be flying off to someone else’s bank account. As your money wings away, there’s even a ridiculous animated image of dollar bills fluttering down.

No matter how long you stare at this image, it won’t move, because it’s just a still. Feel free to cash $PBones to see the full animated version though.

I’ve previously written that you do not have to make an Apple Watch app. However, good third-party apps for the watch are certainly possible.² The Square Cash watch app is definitely well made, and it offers functionality I’ll describe as at least potentially useful, which means it’s better than most Apple Watch apps to date. Perhaps the best thing the Square Cash Apple Watch app does, however, is advance the cause of gender equality.

Allow me to back up slightly. You may have seen a recent push to put Harriet Tubman on America’s $20 bill, fully replacing Andrew Jackson. Hey, according to this article, Old Hickory might not have minded the change:

[Jackson] also hated paper currency and vetoed the reauthorization of the Second Bank of the United States, a predecessor of the Federal Reserve.

This proposed change has also led to other women being considered for placement on American currency, and it appears that the next re-design of the $10 bill will at least provide Alexander Hamilton with a female co-star. That’s some progress, at least, but the idea of placing Harriet Tubman on the $20 has also laid bare some incredible stupidity. Take a deep breath and try to absorb this:

I think it’s the exclamation point that really gets me.

Oh jeez. I honestly try to avoid highlighting this sort of depressing idiocy. I figure it’s best to let it die quietly in the dark, rather than than live and spread in the light. Some things are just so feebleminded that they must be skewered, however, and this is one of those things. So, how dumb are you, Jimmy Pecoul? Let me count the ways.

A list of the ways in which Jimmy Pecoul has shown off his ignorance, in increasing order of stupidity

• Problem #1: Thinking that only presidents belong on our banknotes

  While this is wrong, I wouldn’t be surprised if a not-insignificant number of people believe this, and think that both Alexander Hamilton (on the $10 bill) and Benjamin Franklin (on the $100 bill) were presidents.

• Problem #2: Mistaking Harriet Tubman for Rosa Parks

  These are two entirely different woman, who are famous for their work winning progress in different areas (abolitionism for Harriet Tubman and civil rights activism for Rosa Parks), and who were active nearly a full century apart.

• Problem #3: Having no understanding of what Rosa Parks did

  Rosa Parks did not “stand up to bullies on a bus”. Rosa Parks defied a despicable law and set off the Montgomery bus boycott, which helped bring about the end of segregation in America.

• Stupidity #4: Thinking he’ll stop using $20 bills

  I like to imagine how this might go. Jimmy would have to avoid just about every ATM in America, for one thing. The interactions with cashiers, waiters, bartenders and the like ought to be something to see as well. I’d give him a week managing to boycott the bill, and that’s being generous.

• Stupidity #5: Believing that “most” people will stop using the $20 bill

  I doubt even one person in the entire country would stop using yuppie singles if the picture on them changed from Jackson to Tubman. Most? MOST? Jesus Crist.

We’ll just ignore the incredibly foolish acts of posting this publicly to Facebook for the whole world to snigger at, as well as thinking anyone gives a single good goddamn what his “vote” is on this matter, because if we don’t my head might explode. Let’s get back to Harriet Tubman and Square Cash (Square Cash!). Have another look at the buttons for selecting the amount of money you wish to send:

Each button features a pretty good portrait of the corresponding man who appears on that denomination’s bill, but Andrew Jackson on the $20 doesn’t look quite right.

Of course, that’s not Andrew Jackson at all — it’s Harriet Tubman! The image appears to be based on an 1895 portrait of Mrs. Tubman which is part of the collection of America’s National Portrait Gallery. Here’s a side-by-side comparison:

And here it is, blown up:

The pixel version has managed to turn that dour frown upside down.

Not bad! Lest you have any lingering doubt as to the true identity of this image, Square has confirmed that the image does indeed represent Tubman, with a spokesman stating “We put Harriet Tubman on the $20 bill because she is an American hero”. Well done. It’s a small gesture, but it’s a good one nonetheless.

Update (August 20th, 2015): Square’s creative director Robert Anderson used his own accidental invention (the @-reply) to link me to a higher resolution version of the Tubman image. He also confirmed that the 1895 portrait seen above was indeed the inspiration for the cartoon version. Neat!

A higher-res Tubman Twenty

Footnotes:

1. The bill, not the McConaughey-endorsed vehicle. ↩︎

2. I should note that the Apple Watch app from USAA has been updated since I mocked it in that post. Now, in addition to showing your account balance (and allowing you to refresh that account balance), the app will show any transactions from the last seven days. That’s actually mildly useful! ↩︎

I’m not sure anyone is really reckoning with how big this could be, yet. If the data becomes as public and available as seems likely right now, we’re talking about tens of millions of people who will be publicly confronted with choices they thought they made in private…Here were millions of people expecting the highest level of privacy that the commercial web could offer as they conducted business they likely wanted to keep between two people (even if a great number of the emails are junk, or attached to casual gawkers, the leak claims to contain nine million transaction records). This hack could be ruinous—personally, professionally, financially—for them and their families.

While it would be easy to say that the people who used this site deserve whatever happens, the fallout from this hack will affect far more than just the users and the implications for the future are also well-worth considering.

It’s an interesting enough idea, and the physics of the device itself seem practical. However, it’s difficult to imagine officers attaching the device to their service weapon in the middle of a confrontation. Perhaps even less likely is police departments adopting a device nicknamed the “Clown Gun”.

The silver ball was originally bright orange and resembled a clown’s nose.

My favorite thing that I won was a cowboy hat autographed by the stars of a Mexican soap opera that I had never heard of.

Few of the prizes were valuable, but the whole experiment is amusing, and that’s worth something.

Peregrine Falcon on Patrol

• A chat about your bad photos?

When Apple removed the Camera Roll feature of iOS, I briefly used an app called MyRoll. Now, the company is emailing me about a new app called Gallery Doctor, which claims to identify and help you remove bad photos, thereby saving you space on your iPhone. That’s great and all, but how about an uplifting introduction, instead of an email that feels like it’s chastizing me?

• Paul, Are You Making the Most of Our App?

Well god, CVS, I guess I really just don’t know. Am I? The implication is clearly that I’m not making the most of your goddamned app. I don’t need this pressure though, man. Hell, you’re clearly aware that I have the app.

But that’s not enough for you, is it? You’ve gotta tell me about the features of an app I already have installed and insist that I use them. But I’m not in the habit of printing out many photos anymore, and I’m not on any pills. You just let me use my iPhone as I like, and I’ll continue buying the assorted cold medicine, greeting cards, and clandestine bars of candy that I usually do. Deal?

$353 is rather pricey for a one-way flight. Let’s check some other options. Philadelphia is about 30 minutes farther than Newark from central Jersey, and presumably you’re not a defenseless robot, so you should be safe there for a few minutes. Set Philadelphia as your destination instead, and hey, why not turn on the “Search Nearby Airports” checkbox?

Hey, now there’s a better deal. You can get home for just $149! But hang on a sec. A close look shows that rather than Philadelphia International Airport (PHL), this flight winds up at “ZFV”, which is labeled as a “rail station”. How exactly is a plane going to land there?

Examine this flight, and you’ll see something bizarre:

“NOTE: This is Train Service” is a truly amazing warning.

United Airlines is apparently code-sharing with Amtrak’s passenger railroad service to get you to Philadelphia. They’re also referring to Philadelphia’s 30th Street Rail Station (that’s what ZFV stands for) as an airport. Do you think the conductor announces that train as “United flight 3174”? Man, I hope so.

But the wacky train-instead-of-plane isn’t even the half of it. Take a look at the first half of this itinerary, and compare it to the original search. It’s the exact same flight!

This type of airline pricing nonsense is not entirely uncommon. Opting for the lower fare and then getting off at Newark even has a name, ”Hidden city ticketing”. Still, it’s not very often that you can save over $200 just by missing a train.